January is almost over. While I don't want to see it as a template for the rest of the year, there is so much uncertainty within my life and I'm desperate for proof that things will improve.

A loose goal of mine was to start writing a blog again. I guess I'm doing that right now! It has been almost six years since the last iteration of my blog. I was hoping that this time it would be different but the same struggles remain, just with the insights that come from aging.

It is hard to have a blog when, for most of my life, I've tried to disappear and make myself as small as possible. I'm doing it right now, publishing on my personal website instead of joining a blogging platform like my friends & the bloggers I keep up with. (Part of this is also to prove that I can roll out a blog at all but that's clearly not a difficult task.) If I post here, I won't bother anyone and it will be hard to find me. No courtesy likes or follows from people I know--people who would see me pick up yet another hobby that I'll abandon within a few months.¹

It is hard to have a blog when I feel like I don't deserve to have a voice. What insights could I possibly have? You'll find more interesting blog posts written by LLMs! Yet here I am, still writing and sharing. There is something deep within me that feels the need to be seen--a bit hard for someone who has deactivated most of their social media accounts and doesn't leave the house very often.

It is hard to have a blog when I'm afraid of being even slightly vulnerable and to be witnessed at all is to be judged.

I will keep writing.